Being Honest

4/3/2017 – 9:30 AM

 

So, I just finished watching the first video posted by FouseyTube, the YouTuber in four months.

Where has he been? What has he been doing? All of that doesn’t matter. That’s because the “why” was the focal point of the video. Why did he leave his fans, his channels, management companies, his profession? He has his reasons. One thing I noticed him mention was fear. So what is fear?

Fear

“An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat”

So what could be so dangerous in Fousey’s life that could cause him to be afraid? Go watch the fucking video if you really want to find out (link below).

I’m here to tell you about my fears and how they affect me. For most of my life, I’ve always been the quiet, shy, meek child. I’ve got a great personality but if you’ve never taken the time to get to know me then you’d think I was stuck up or something. However, I’m just guarded. I like to assess people before I let them into my life. I can’t tell  you the revolving door of people I’ve had walk in and then out of my life after, willingly or unwillingly. I am a tough not to crack. But under that shell, I’m as soft as a snail, all squishy and gooey. Why does a shell have a snail? That’s obviously a rhetorical question but you get the point.

Fear, runs my life-like no other. There are so many things that I’ve wanted to do but didn’t even try because I’ve been afraid to fail. Fear is like a disease, it starts small but spreads until it encompasses you in your entirety. It brings you down, makes you depressed, sad and unhappy. My most recent battle with fear has revolved around isolation. I went through a break up that really affected me and also lost one of my best friends around that time. I could say that it has been one of the worst few months of my life. So, how did my illogical fear decided that I should deal with that? Isolation – separating myself from my friends and everyone around me who cared about me. Why? – Because eventually they were just going to hurt me and leave me too. Society never looks at vulnerability and weakness as something good. It’s all about strength and putting on a good face. However, most of it’s a lie. That person at work you see smiling probably has a thousand issues behind that smile.

Fear – Why should fear win? Why should we let it control our lives? Why can’t we shoot for the stars? I don’t have all the answers. What can I say? Life is like one of those adventure games you play and for some people, fear is that big boss at the end of every stage. There’s no moving on to the next stage without defeating it. So what are we going to do about it? I haven’t figured that out yet, but at least I know that this weekend I won’t be staying home and stuffing my face in that isolation chamber I call a bedroom.

Why I left youtube (Dose of Fousey)

Thanks For Reading!

Allison

Logopop

Ps. I lowkey have a bit of OCD and it is taking all the strength in me to post this without checking it 50 thousand times.

 

 

Black and White

It’s been a few months since I’ve started working on my wallpapers and black and white have been the most difficult colors/shades for me to work with. I’m not sure why but every time I try to use them exclusively, another color tries edge its way in. Maybe it’s my affinity for bold colors. To that I would say, black and white can also be bold. Here’s what I’ve worked on so far. Yes, its very limited and porbably not my best work but it’s worth a share.

Home is where the heart is…

guycan

December 20th, 2016 signalled six long years since I immigrated to Canada. The day passed by without me even remembering. Six years ago, on that day, my life changed forever. Being a fourteen year old who had already formed a close bond with my group of friends and settled into high school, it was difficult to leave the place I called home. I remember being tearful as the areoplane lifted off and I left my home country, not knowing when I would get to see it again. Needless to say that I was miserable my first year here. It was difficult for me to adjust to the new country and I wasn’t that great at making new friends. I’m still not. However, I’ve grown so much in the last six years and I actually like the person I’ve become.

However one thing I really struggled with was the guilt that I sometimes felt when speaking about my home. Here in Canada, if you’re an immigrant you’re very familiar with the term “back home”. The problem is that at which point do I start calling Canada my home? Is it possible to have two homes? I love Canada, but that doesn’t mean that I love my home country any less. I believe that a major portion of this guilt is reinforced or stems from the citizens in our “home” countries. Where I’m from, those who leave are often taunted by those as being foreigners and “changing” just because they left for a better life. People use this to taunt us in a joking manner. However, there is some truth behind every joke. What they are unkowingly doing is creating conflict within our hearts. Is it wrong for us to move away, move on and try to create a better life for ourselves? No, I don’t think so. But they would argue that those of us that leave often forget those that they left behind. I would like to say, “No! it’s not that we have forgotten you. But we also have our own lives to live. We have to start from the bottom and work our way up and that is not an easy task”.

I love both places equally. They both have their positive aspects as well as their faults. I am incapable of forgetting the people who raised me as well as where I was raised. Do you know that saying, “It takes a village to raise a child”? Well, I was literally raised in that village. It was a village where every older woman was my auntie even though we weren’t related by blood. Growing up in a place like that taught me strong family values as well as the importance of community. Those values get lost in a big city like Toronto, so I’m lucky to have had that experience before the move. My heart is big enough to have many homes. My childhood home and the Toronto – the birthplace of my adolescence.

Who knows, maybe this isn’t the end of my journey and there may be many more homes to come.

Light in a dark place

So incase you guys haven’t realized, I currently live in Toronto. Over the past week the weather has been a nightmare. We had a snow storm and that’s usually accompanied by heavy snow, freezing temperatures, slush slush and more slush when that snow starts to melt. You know the weather is bad when exams have to be rescheduled and school busses do not operate. Now I’m not trying to sound ungrateful because it is a blessing to live in Canada. However, that winter depression is real people. When the weather turns cold my mood soon follows. Because of this I decided to work with a colour which I usually never wear and almost never use in my creations. Maybe I thought that by using it, it would brighten up my mood. The jury’s still out on whether that has worked but here’s my new collection of wallpapers/artistic creations.

Worth it or Worthless?

 

Actions Speak Louder than Words.

 

It has taken me some time to realize that in order to know if someone truly loves you, you need to evaluate their actions. A man or woman will show you how they feel about you even if they find it difficult to voice their feelings. People take for granted what they have and forget to show their love. This post is directed to anyone in a relationship feeling lonely, worthless, unappreciated and unloved.

Do you know that you deserve better? Is that person making you happy? Do you smile when you think of them or does your heart hurt from the painful memories? Do you feel lonely? Can you talk to that person about anything? Can you see a future with them? How is the communication? Are you constantly asking yourself why you’re with that person?

If the answer to most of those questions aren’t positive then you already know what to do. You deserve better. You do not have to settle for less. You’re in love with a fantasy and not that person. What’s making you stay is the potential of what the relationship could be. However, you need to realize that your love life doesn’t begin and end with that person. Yes, it will hurt at first. But in a few months you’ll be happy you got rid of the big bag of unhappiness dragging you down. It’s going to be okay. You are going to be okay. As a matter of fact you will be much better off. The sooner you start believing that, the faster you’ll be able to move on with your life. According to the law of attraction, positive vibes and thoughts will produce positive results.

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER!

 

That person may not think that you’re worth the time and effort but there’s a fabulous person out there who does. Why should we have to settle for barely good enough? Speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that the longer you stay in a relationship like that, the more it affects you. It  takes a toll on your self esteem and your emotional stability. Am unhealthy relationship isn’t something that you need in your life. If you try to work it out and there’s no indication of any change happening on the side of your partner, that means it’s time to go. They will say anything to make you stay or have some unpleasant parting words. However, you shouldn’t question that you’re doing the right thing. Sometimes it’s okay to put yourself first and do what’s best for you!

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER!

 

…and sometimes you just have to go out there and

GO GET IT!